Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize