Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
