Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
