nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
