I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
