I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
