I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Randomize
