Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
