You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
