I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I lost the right to judge tonight
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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