forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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