i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
