i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
