If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
