You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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