I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
