I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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