Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
