i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Randomize
