I faked an abortion last night.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Every concussion has its silver lining
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Randomize
