my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Randomize
