From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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