A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
