I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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