i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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