Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
