So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Just invented taco cereal.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
