Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Randomize
