my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
