Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
