Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
