I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
