I just saw a hot homeless man
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
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