I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
