In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
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