I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
the condom got lost in my hair
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
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