I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.