I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
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My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
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This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?