My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
