i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
