it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
