just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Randomize
