id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
