I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
