so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
