I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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