I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Randomize
