Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Randomize
