got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
