I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
