I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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