Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
