and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
