I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
