Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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