I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
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I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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