haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
