i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
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