so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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