Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
